Ok it's over with you. For reasons that left with loose ends.But the loose ends are ignored becuz there's no reason for them to be taken care of. It's dead. It's over. Bye.

I'm starting to realize how things really are. I don't think I like it.

But then what about everything else?

I love that I'm still the only one. Of course I still have the awful feeling at times, that it won't be like that for long. Of course not all that is his fault. I feel like Nelly Furtado is singing my words in her song "Im Like A Bird".

"It's not that I wanna say Goodbye..."

Ok, so we worked things out. Sort of. We said we'd be friends, but we wouldn't deny our feelings. Saying and doing are 2 different things. We went on a fun weekend retreat with the group, and it was something we were both looking forward to, so that we could be in a fun setting with all our friends, and with eachother, to really have some fun. We eneded up acting like b/f and g/f more than ever this time. No physical things or anything. Just things. It didnt go unoticed. Me and his Mom ended up talkin b4 the weekend was over, and just establishing things, and growing way closer. I am so thankful for that! After her and I talked, me and him talked. We decided ok, we can do this, we're just gonna cut off the romantic stuff. We've gotta know we can be friends, plus, it's not the right time for me, and him anyway. I'm busy, he's busy, we both like eachother so much that it would be a serious relationship, which Im scured of right now. For many reasons...

I have the hardest time in the world trusting guys now. I've been lied to, munipulated, taken advantage of, and hurt incredibly by guys. I don't think I could take having anything else happen to me right now, without me deciding to never get married!

I'm not ready. It's hard work to maintain a truly pure, righteous, Godly relationship. Resisting temptation, not putting yourself in a situation to be tempted, keeping yourself accountable to authority about the relationship. I also think its very important to be independant, before youre in a serious relationship. Having a job, friends, other responsibilities, and activities outside of the relationship.

I'm still trying to work on the "Satan-given" gene all girls have (seduction/munipulation/(b)itchiness(for lack of a better word)). I have that pretty much under control. I've been learning how to not be that way, for the past 6 months or so. But I think it'll take awhile to keep it up, before it's really under control.

We're both not ready. Plus, for the past weeks, I've actually had a great time, being just friends. It's fun. I mean yeah I miss romance, seeing as how I am a hopeless romantic, but I know this is the right thing. So does he. And we're fine.

Now, lets see how long this attitude lasts...

Lies. I hate lies. I don't even know if he lied about the last situation, but I did find out something he was lying and deceiving me about. Her. He didn't even like her. He did it to keep his mind off of me. If you don't like someone, why would you think about them? It makes no sense. Nevertheless, he did it. I died. Or atleast I thought I did. All the emotionlessness I had bee feeling, it all came back at once. Anger, sadness, all of it. I wasn't supposed to find out. I did.

He had decided to stop talking to me or something. He was being a jerk. I let my annoyedness out on Emily. She told me she thought I should forget him. She would NEVER say something like that about him, when it came to me. I said "You know something, don't you?" "No." "Don't lie to me. You know how I am." "Ok, fine. He asked some girl out on Friday and they're going out." (I never like the term "going out" for some reason) Here's the point where I died.

I paced, I cried, I screamed, I kicked, I sobbed, I threw off the bracelet, Emily picked it up, I grabbed it, I stared at the silver tainted with betrayal. I felt stupid.

Can this be simple? Can this be quiet? Can this be peaceful? Can this be still?
Yes, but it won't.

He ignored me a few days later. It angered me, that after this He would ignore ME. I should ignore him. But I don't.

He called to me tonight. I was so scared, so nervous, so happy, so sad. I let it out, he took it, I cried (IN FRONT OF HIM!), he apologized, acknowledged his wrong.

I hate I didn't get angry. I hate I didn't yell. I hate I didn't slap him. I hate I don't hate him.

He loves me, I love him. He's afraid he is losing me, or has. Ditto. I hate that I have distrust (is that even a word?) against him.

But I don't hate him. I never could.
I still love him.

Shoot!!

Well, I tasted the fruits of my decision, and I was surprised. It was not so bitter. It was almost easy. Except for one point of the night, when he walked away from me. He was asking why things were the way they were, and I just said I don't know, they just have to be I guess for a lil while. He really was I guess annoyed by my efforts to do, what I thought to be the right thing, so he walked away. I asked him not to, repeatedly, but he did. I was shocked. He had never done something like that b4. I mean he's walked out of the room, if he gets upset or mad about something b4, but he's never walked out, when I've asked him not to. So for the first time in what felt like weeks, but had only been days, I felt something in my emotions happen. My eyes began to well up, but I made myself stop. Later he walked back in the office, and I looked at him and said, Don't do that to me again. He said that he was sorry, and that he was wrong. He made me aware of something's that made my decision almost seem out of date. That things had changed. I had heard it all before though. Not from him but from an ex. We'll call him Dylan.

Me, Joe, My Mom, and Dylan's parents had decided that it was time for us to break up. There had been way too much confusion, and things that made his relationship with his parents bad. He later told me that him and I were allowed to talk, we just couldn't go out. I called his mom, and she told me that was not true. This happened a few times. Since then I have a hard time believing guys. But the relationship before then is the one that really sparked my unbelief in guys. His name is "Otis". Otis and I got engaged on Christmas Day. I was 15 at the time, and needless to say my parents did not agree. About a month or so later we broke up. Otis came to me a few months later asking me to take the ring back, and to just hold onto it. I told him though that was wrong, and rebellion, and I couldn't do it. He just walked away acting like I was in the wrong. Otis is married now. Dylan is probably gonna be really soon.

He hasn't done anything to make me think he would lie to me. He's done everything to make me think he wouldn't. But I don't know if I can trust like that. I don't trust anyone really. The only person I really trust is God. Too many people have let me down. People always will let me down. So that's why I don't trust anyone. I want to trust him though. I hope that when I do find out what the deal is tomorrow, that I won't have that reason not to trust or believe him. I want to be able to believe him. I don't want another addition to the liars list. But I think about it, and I almost think, that it wont make a difference if this was a lie or not. I'm gonna forgive him and move on. But, PLEASE let this not be a lie.

Tomorrow will be the first taste of the effect of this revolution in my life to this. The first time my eyes will meet with his, and I will feel the newness, and the difference from before. I have told God that I'm not gonna show my feelings, I'm not gonna act on them, or deal with them. They're His. Just a little while ago I got nervous about tomorrow. I know that 7 hours from now, something inside of me is going to be affected. Whether it's just a small butterfly in my stomach, or a cryfest, something will happen. Even if nothing happens, or I don't feel anything, then that's a change as well. I play the scenario in my head of the first time I see his face tomorrow, gaze into his brown eyes, and feel something new, I don't know exactly what, and think I'm going to cry. Just cuz I know I'm not in control anymore, and nothing is my decision.

But through that, I pray that I don't cry, and I don't feel like throwing myself on the ground, and saying, "Please, Please change this!!" Instead I pray that I can be content, and trust him like I said I do. I pray that I can be as composed, and peaceful as I have been the past few days with this decision. I pray that when I come in contact with his charming presence, I don't become disheartened (thanx ambs). Instead I keep my hope in God, and I stay enthusiastic about joining with a part of The Body of Christ to worship the great, merciful, compassionate, sufficient, omnipresent Father. I guess I'll find out tomorrow...