Well, I tasted the fruits of my decision, and I was surprised. It was not so bitter. It was almost easy. Except for one point of the night, when he walked away from me. He was asking why things were the way they were, and I just said I don't know, they just have to be I guess for a lil while. He really was I guess annoyed by my efforts to do, what I thought to be the right thing, so he walked away. I asked him not to, repeatedly, but he did. I was shocked. He had never done something like that b4. I mean he's walked out of the room, if he gets upset or mad about something b4, but he's never walked out, when I've asked him not to. So for the first time in what felt like weeks, but had only been days, I felt something in my emotions happen. My eyes began to well up, but I made myself stop. Later he walked back in the office, and I looked at him and said, Don't do that to me again. He said that he was sorry, and that he was wrong. He made me aware of something's that made my decision almost seem out of date. That things had changed. I had heard it all before though. Not from him but from an ex. We'll call him Dylan.

Me, Joe, My Mom, and Dylan's parents had decided that it was time for us to break up. There had been way too much confusion, and things that made his relationship with his parents bad. He later told me that him and I were allowed to talk, we just couldn't go out. I called his mom, and she told me that was not true. This happened a few times. Since then I have a hard time believing guys. But the relationship before then is the one that really sparked my unbelief in guys. His name is "Otis". Otis and I got engaged on Christmas Day. I was 15 at the time, and needless to say my parents did not agree. About a month or so later we broke up. Otis came to me a few months later asking me to take the ring back, and to just hold onto it. I told him though that was wrong, and rebellion, and I couldn't do it. He just walked away acting like I was in the wrong. Otis is married now. Dylan is probably gonna be really soon.

He hasn't done anything to make me think he would lie to me. He's done everything to make me think he wouldn't. But I don't know if I can trust like that. I don't trust anyone really. The only person I really trust is God. Too many people have let me down. People always will let me down. So that's why I don't trust anyone. I want to trust him though. I hope that when I do find out what the deal is tomorrow, that I won't have that reason not to trust or believe him. I want to be able to believe him. I don't want another addition to the liars list. But I think about it, and I almost think, that it wont make a difference if this was a lie or not. I'm gonna forgive him and move on. But, PLEASE let this not be a lie.

Tomorrow will be the first taste of the effect of this revolution in my life to this. The first time my eyes will meet with his, and I will feel the newness, and the difference from before. I have told God that I'm not gonna show my feelings, I'm not gonna act on them, or deal with them. They're His. Just a little while ago I got nervous about tomorrow. I know that 7 hours from now, something inside of me is going to be affected. Whether it's just a small butterfly in my stomach, or a cryfest, something will happen. Even if nothing happens, or I don't feel anything, then that's a change as well. I play the scenario in my head of the first time I see his face tomorrow, gaze into his brown eyes, and feel something new, I don't know exactly what, and think I'm going to cry. Just cuz I know I'm not in control anymore, and nothing is my decision.

But through that, I pray that I don't cry, and I don't feel like throwing myself on the ground, and saying, "Please, Please change this!!" Instead I pray that I can be content, and trust him like I said I do. I pray that I can be as composed, and peaceful as I have been the past few days with this decision. I pray that when I come in contact with his charming presence, I don't become disheartened (thanx ambs). Instead I keep my hope in God, and I stay enthusiastic about joining with a part of The Body of Christ to worship the great, merciful, compassionate, sufficient, omnipresent Father. I guess I'll find out tomorrow...